me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
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Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?