Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here