me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
You Might Also Like
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
uncle dave has been through hell
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I enjoy a good short stor
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
🔥🔥
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes