Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

Family Celebrity

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

IT’S-A ME,

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?