Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”