Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

United Steaks of America

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless