Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not