me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.