Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.