Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

[loses house key, starts a new life]

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Are you ok, human???

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.