Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

what does he know…

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

dam girl

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol