Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

My dad is at it again

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.