Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.