Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
New comic up. “Ransom”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty