Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Otters drive ottermobiles.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

i will avenge u mr van gogh

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.