Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
