Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
? 💀
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
The Punning Dead.
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.