Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
You Might Also Like
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality