Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
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I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?