Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
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Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
jesus christ confetti not now
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.