Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.