ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.