ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
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[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
What?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries