Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taking June’s advice to heart

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Simple

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.