Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
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Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn and a walking cane suddenly appeared in my hands. So obviously I shook it at them.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.