Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.


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Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?


Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.


[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.


I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn and a walking cane suddenly appeared in my hands. So obviously I shook it at them.


I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution


“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review


Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.


Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.


My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.