me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
live, laugh, laundry.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
meanwhile over on facebook
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible