Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Social distancing in Australia:

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade