Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge