me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.