Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet