Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.