Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
they should create new variants of dopamine
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’