Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.