me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
You Might Also Like
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Who does Amazon think I am?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.