Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

All. The. Damn. Time.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.