ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.