Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

“That’s what” – She

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!