Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda