Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Become ungovernable.