@FunnyBison

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

- @FunnyBison

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@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?

Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

@chuuew

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

@ThaJawn

Me: *empties 4’s maracas

4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken

Me: Oh no.. What happend?

@OVO_Ty15

“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever

@SortaBad

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@Sickayduh

[Lie detector]
“You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?”
– Yes
*needle going nuts*
“I, sir, have been owned”