ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
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Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death