ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
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Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
💀🤣
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Hear me out: WrestleVania
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE