Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then