Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.