Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Breaking news:

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that