Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

my favorite genre of twitter

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid