Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Good boy 😂😂

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”