Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.