me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
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her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.