me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
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I have a place for everything. The floor.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.