Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.