Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
