Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:
So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat’s mouth. My kid thinks I’m a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens
Submarine crew: *screaming*