@AndyRichter

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

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@ArfMeasures

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

@vangobot

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

@mommywhines

It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

@rebrafsim

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

@MichaelTrying

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

@Shanehasabeard

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

@yoopnative

Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat’s mouth. My kid thinks I’m a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later

@Cheeseboy22

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

@sonictyrant

Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*