@AndyRichter

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

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@RileyCaptain

Me: Goodnight mom I love you

Mom: I have a boyfriend

Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?

@Darlainky

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

@GrantTanaka

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

@Knorg

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@Bez

I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.

@Goggner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@AbbieEvansXO

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

@jazmasta

By DAY he’s just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon…
“Raccountant”..
Coming this fall on Fox