ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
