ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
