Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.