Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup