Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*