Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
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I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Cool shirt 🙂
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.