Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Yep.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.