ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You Might Also Like
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry