ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.