Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Oceanography is all about current events
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
