Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Strange
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.