Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me