Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend