Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

can you read it!!??

maan!

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Damn he played himself

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Still a very good boi….