Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky