Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

Blocked: 1985

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

My patronus is a cheeseburger

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

ibopfufen

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families