Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Expect the unexporcupine.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it