Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OKAY DAD

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there