Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

Raisins are grape jerky.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

I unironically love this joke.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes